Friday, November 30, 2007

Wedding Dance Mix- Limited Time Only!

Having never had to plan my own wedding, I can't speak from personal experience about the weird phenomena that are DJs and wedding bands. However, I have been to many weddings, and noticed that whenever secular music is played, there are always selections that I find odd, inappropriate, or downright disturbing. Sometimes insider information reveals that these questionable musical melodies (maladies?) have actually been chosen by the bride, groom, or family members who could not be refused. Other times, it seems as though the DJ or band has abused their authority or whimsically added to the play list. An example of the latter scenario would be when the band opted to play "Brown Sugar" during a secular dance set. I guess nothing is more romantic than a master taking advantage of his slave girl.

Recently I attended a wedding where it seemed that practically every secular song played was questionable. To protect the innocent, we will say that this wedding took place in a city called "Sporonto". The medley included:

* I Will Survive- a romantic solo about getting over the man who screwed you up for so long and not letting him back in your life. Key lyrics include: "I should have changed my stupid lock/ I should have made you leave your keys/ if I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me" and "I'm not that chained up little person/still in love with you".

* Bad Bad Leroy Brown- this soulful ditty tells the story of a man who gets his ass kicked for hitting on another man's wife in a bar. Is this meant to be a reminder for the wedding guests? "Hey, fellas, you see the pretty girl in the long white dress? She's married now, scumbag! Stay away!" And is the groom supposed to be Leroy, or the guy who beats Leroy? (Note: This song is also great for simcha dancing! Separate, of course.)

* Build Me Up Buttercup- sure, this one sounds upbeat and cheerful. Perfectly appropriate for a song about a dysfunctional, one-sided relationship. Key lyrics include: "Why do you build me, Buttercup baby/ just to let me down/ and mess me around" and "Although you're untrue/ I'm attracted to you all the more".

Here's your opportunity to weigh in and offer up suggestions for the Inappropriate Wedding Songs Compilation CD. This item not sold in stores.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

In the House of J-Smoov

After giving in to the overwhelming requests from my dubious Canadian fan-base, I find myself sitting in front of a computer late at night, feeding their egos by "being brutally honest" and telling them what I think of them. Really, it's J-Smoov who wants the shout out, and wants to be publically known
in my world by the aforementioned code name.

Honestly, it's a lot of pressure. I mean, it's hard to be funny on demand. For me, at least.

However, there are a few things I can say with certainty:

* Gustav and Javier are great names for Jewish boys.
* The best way to make someone feel comfortable in a room full of strangers is to sit in complete silence and stare at her when she walks in.
* Gaby looks amazing in tights. Great legs. I mean, we're talking phenomenal.
* It's very easy to be accepted if you start making jokes about H-Bomb's weight and the amount of food he can consume (see postscript)
* It's very easy to be accepted if you start making fun of H-Bomb. Period.

There will, of course, be more to come. But if I don't post something soon, some of H-Bomb's friends will wear themselves out by all the constant running to the computer to see if I've posted.

Postscript: H-Bomb is not, in fact, fat. There's just a lot of him to love.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Oh, Canada

I realize that it's been nearly a month since I last posted about not having anything to post about. Obviously, not much has changed. There have been moments where a potential topic flits through my brain, but there really just hasn't been time to flesh it out, type it up, and post.

I mostly blame H-Bomb for this. In a good way, of course. Since I've been so happy with my life over the past few months, I have nothing to kvetch about. And since I'm nowhere near sick of his company, I'd rather hang out with him than sit in front of my computer and blog.

But really, I think it's more of the first reason. Even things that habitually bothered me in the past, like stupid shul politics, don't rile me up to the point where I need to use this forum to vent. If something does happen that gets under my skin, I can vent to him, and it instead becomes a conversation instead of a frustrated rant. If I'm grumpy or cranky about anything, he magically knows how to make it all better. So, in effect, he may be the best thing that ever happened to me, and the worst thing to ever happen to this blog.

In other news, I am excited to meet many of his friends this weekend in Toronto. And if any of their wives happen to know of a decent place to get a pedicure on Sunday before Eli's wedding, I'd appreciate the feedback. My normal places were all mysteriously closed today. And does anyone know if the kosher gluten-free pizza place is still open?