Wednesday, June 22, 2005

To Blog or Not to Blog

When my life is very busy and my brain full of very important thoughts, my blogging tends to dwindle. When it seems like nothing much is happening in my life at all, I find plenty of things to blog about.

I haven't been blogging very much in the past few months. Since Pesach, to be precise. I know that this blog probably has not been the most interesting read since then, and I apologize to those who come here looking for entertainment. The truth is that the things I think about most are the things I can blog about least.

I am still trying to come to terms with losing Liz. Every day, I look at the picture of the two of us that I keep in my bedroom. She and her mother were in Chicago on a very, very cold winter day and I met them downtown. I think we're 19 in that picture. That was five years ago. I look at that picture every day, and I ask myself the same questions: Where are you now? Where did you go? And then the most painful question of all...why did you have to go?

This Sunday will mark 2 months since she passed away (I still have trouble writing those words, let alone saying them), and I'm still very much struggling to accept that I will never talk to her or see her again. Sometimes I forget that she's gone. I didn't realize until yesterday that I still had her email in my address book. The simple act of deleting that email address somehow took on tremendous significance, as though I were eliminating my connection to her. Irrational, I know. Even knowing it was silly, it still took all of my self-control not to close my office door, put my head in my hands and cry.

As I said, this Sunday will mark 2 months. This Sunday is also the wedding of my best friend from high school, Emily, and I am the maid of honor. It's very strange juxtaposing the two. It's a pretty strong reminder that life and love go on. Knowing it doesn't make it easy.

The bottom line is, don't let the blog inactivity fool you. I'm here, and my world is actually a whirlwind of activity and emotion these days. I just haven't really felt like sharing.

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