Monday, July 24, 2006

Watching the Green(er) Grass Grow

We all knew this statement was going to come. In fact, I knew when I left Israel that I was most likely going to say this. Ready for it? Here goes...

I should have made aliyah.

My friends in Israel, assuming they still read this, are now nodding their heads and saying, "Told you so!" while my friends and family in America are shaking their heads and thinking that I'm crazy. The latter won't like this post. They want me safe and healthy and happy in Chicago.

Safe, certainly. Healthy, well...that's not in my hands. Happy...I haven't been truly happy since I was in Israel. That's the part that I know they won't want to hear. But it's true. I miss who I was in Israel. I miss my lifestyle in J'lem. I made more sense there. Life made more sense there. Even with rockets falling, sirens wailing, people dying, etc., I would rather be in Israel.

Some of my friends here say that I need to give Chicago more of a chance. Wait until I've found my own apartment, started grad school, met new people. Wait and see, they say. And in the meantime, I go to bed every night and wake up every morning with the same thought. I should have made aliyah.

I feel locked in. Like I made my choice, and now I have to live with it for two years. I'm enrolled in grad school. I got a scholarship. I have jobs that I can keep while in school. I'm searching for an apartment. All those little wheels are in motion that stick me further and further into the rut that I feel like I'm in. Those iron bars are sliding shut. Pick cliché and insert here.

On the other hand, had I made aliyah, maybe I would be typing this post from my flat in J'lem, wondering if I had acted too hastily. Wondering if I should have gone to grad school in America. Feeling guilty knowing that my family was losing sleep worrying about my safety. That darn grass is always greener, after all. So I'll just sit here and watch it grow. Feel free to bring a picnic blanket and join me.

No comments: