Friday, November 26, 2004

Doormat Versus Psycho B*tch

Avi wrote something really lovely today, and it happens to mirror some of what's been going on inside my little brain. His thoughts are far more eloquent and universally applicable than mine, but they did help me focus more on what's really on my mind.

I find it very hard much of the time to stand up for myself when I don't think I'm being treated in a way that I deserve. I don't mean when someone is rude or cruel (it rarely happens, for one), but more when I encounter a kind of passive neglect. Not that I need (or want) constant attention, flowery expressions or grand gestures. Just an occassional acknowledgement, however casual or random or humorous, that I'm here. Most of the time, when I start to feel as though I'm being blown off or taken for granted, I say nothing. I just deal with it, knowing that sooner or later someone will need me for something.

And then there are the few times that I do say something. And I always regret whatever I said and the manner in which I said it after about 5 minutes. I immediately begin to think that I was being irrational and overly-sensitive, that I jumped to conclusions, that I was unfair to the other person. I then worry that I came across as a psycho b*tch. After all, people are busy, they have their own lives. What right do I have to expect anything from anyone?

Where is the balance? Am I judging others too harshly, and expecting more from them than I should be expecting? Or is the problem not the fact that I decide to say something, but the way I say it? Or am I judging myself too harshly, for sometimes needing just a little reassurance?

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