From my inbox, slightly modified to maintain some pretense of anonymity...
Welcome to Purim Bulletin (Version 2.1) at ASBI
Candle Lighting: 5:47 P.M. Exactly.
And we mean precisely, thusly 18 minutes before shkiah, according to the cresting of the sun's arc at horizon, times pi, divided by the speed of light and distance to the sun, minus the atmospheric interference ratio and quantum ray interaction, divided by the square root of the Longitudinal Separation Analysis Theorem Postulate. Unless of course, you add 13.3 minutes if you follow the School of Moishy ibn Mooshu of Zechuan and are of Cantonese descent, or 26.2 minutes if you adhere to Gittel the Scion of Marathon and are of Ethiopian descent. Please confer with your Halachic authority and lineal custom. You know what? Better jump on the 156 bus right after you finish that memo; you might as well just forget about getting that report from Cliff in accounting until Monday.
1. Schedule for Shabbat
It's every week.
2. Daily Services
Yes, we have those too. What, you need an invitation? They're at rather inconvenient times and nobody wants to trudge through the snow, but sometimes the Minyanaires take vacations or get sick or want to sleep in, so come on over!
3. Readings for Shabbat
Stop looking for engagements of people you might know in the Skokie/ West Rogers Park bulletins and follow along in the Stone, Kaplan, and/or Hertz Chumash. Yes, I know those Zionist/settler and kosher/vegan rantings and apartment listings from the Free Speech Table are "readings," but you know what we mean here.
I found a great tailor who makes me look ten pounds thinner. Just thought I 'd announce that, if anybody's interested. Oh, and I expect a promotion at work, but I guess I shouldn't announce that yet. (Unless you can throw in a good word for me to cinch it. Thanks.)
5. Members of ASBI: Do you know your Bar Mitzvah parsha, or part of it?
Do you know if Aunt Sadie made it in time for the whole ceremony or just in time for the "grape juice" that she loves so much? Do you remember what you wore? Did you beg your parents to wear a plaid flannel shirt and Tevas- "grunge style?" Did Grampa Izzy come through with an Israeli Bond or just the usual $5? ("Don't spend it all in one place," he would always kibbitz- ha, ha).
6. Kiddush (Club) News
In recent Kiddush Club elections, Scotch beat Bourbon 17 to 12. It seems that the aged single malt Highlands swayed the electorate, despite the long-standing popularity of Kentucky and Tennessee delegates to the convention. In other Kiddush Club news, well, actually, that's about it. Stay tuned for Kiddush Club weather and traffic.
7. Dates to Remember
That one time, when we went down to the beach with Shlivovitz to celebrate the end of finals. Whoo weee! And we should remember Flag Day- nobody takes that one seriously anymore, dang it! Where's the patriotism?
8. Shul Do's and Don'ts
Do arrive early and hold the door for the next person. Don't wipe your nose on your sleeve. Don't slouch. Do pay your shul dues. Don't forget to pay your shul dues. Do try to increase your shul dues. Don't try parasailing after a creamed herring and gefilte fish brunch. (I know that's not a Shul instruction, but just trust me on this one). Do pretend that you're not checking out the action on the other side of the mechitza. Do not look like you're pretending to look like you're not checking out the action on the other side of the mechitza.
9. ASBI for Kids
Doesn't sound like a fair trade to me.
10 Tot Shabbat
I can't help but think about taters, but man, those little guys can really bop!
11. ASBI for teenagers
I think we need to collect some serious dues from them before we just start letting in those baggy-drawer-wearing, hippity-hoppity, scruffy, ne-er do wells. And have you seen the crazy way they wear their hair? Why, when I was their age, I had to walk uphill both ways for everything! And don't get me started on that crazy stuff they call music! I tell you Martha, these whippersnappers can't appreciate anything. In my day, we had real bands you could listen to like, um, Pearl Jam. And I had to drive a DOMESTIC car to school without one of them fancy-pants remote openers; nope, just plain old fashioned electric windows without rain sensors or anything.
12. Please Remember: ASBI is a free peanut zone.
Well, not exactly free, but highly discounted! How do we do it? Volume!
13. Kosher alert
The Laredo, Texas "CIRCLE K" RANCH's bacon-wrapped, ham kabob pork cutlets are NOT kosher. Also, Bangor, Maine's famous "OU" FISHERIES' scallop-encrusted, obster patties (in extra heavy snail sauce) are NOT kosher. We regret any confusion in the community.
14. Eruv announcement
The Eruv is STILL up. Yasher koach to the Trainer who trains people to train people to train people to train people to inspect the eruv. If you'd like to be part of this elite crew, or the elite crew that trains the elite crew to train people to inspect, then please contact someone.
15. Nut-free zone
The new nut-free policy means Shmuel Sackett will not be invited back.
16. Building update
This is not a joke: if you check out the side door, you will see that the board of directors has seen fit to install a urinal in what used to be the coat closet. (Please insert your own joke here.) Also, due to budget constraints, the shul has attached a pushka to the defibrilator.
17. Movie night
Please join the rabbi and rebbetzin for Movie Night next Tuesday at 7:00 p.m. as they screen the following videos (EDITED FOR OUR COMMUNITY): G-dzilla; Oh G-d!; Bruce A-mighty; and of course, Tora! Tora! Tora!
18. No joke: "The Jews had light and gladness, joy and Honor" -Megillah (8:15).