Wednesday, April 20, 2005

[Insert Applicable Post Title Here]

I haven’t posted much lately. I haven’t been very talkative in general lately. It’s not that life hasn’t been full and busy, or that I don’t have anything to say. I do, but I don’t know how to say any of it. Most of the time, I don’t particularly feel like trying. Whenever I am pondering serious issues, conundrums, dilemmas, or just having deep thoughts (the real kind, not the Jack Handy variety- though I have a disproportionate amount of those as well), I prefer to keep them to myself. Someone I know once told me that I’m elusive and evasive. Yes, yes I am. But only about the important things in life. It’s really just a personality trait of mine, though I don’t know if it’s a good one or not.

I’ve never been good at sharing my innermost thoughts. I suppose one might even say that I’m not very good at sharing the innermost Cara. Lately, I’ve been wondering why this is, and I think it often comes down to reciprocity. Why should I make myself emotionally vulnerable to someone who isn’t making himself or herself emotionally vulnerable to me? Why let someone else in, if they’re still going to block me out? Of course, this reciprocity rule isn’t a hard and fast one. I certainly have friends who let me in, and I don’t always want to explain my thoughts and feelings to them. This I can’t explain. I can only apologize, and ask them to bear with me.

Why is it that I expect my friends to bear with me when I’m feeling uncommunicative, and yet have so little patience (at the moment) with those who are uncommunicative with me? Probably because I know, and my friends know, that this uncommunicative, anti-social phase will end, and that I will share when I’ve worked things out in my own head. It’s easier for me to ask friends to be patient when everyone involved knows that patience is only required for a short period of time. It’s harder to be patient with others when you have to wonder if there will ever come a time when they finally open up to you. Besides, I generally prefer to talk about other people's problems or thoughts than my own.

Are my expectations for friendships too high? By friendship, I don’t mean ‘casual acquaintance’ or ‘drinking buddy’, but a true friendship. Do I expect too much of the people I care for? Is it unreasonable for me to need occasional reassurances? I don’t think it’s a self-esteem issue. I know I’m fabulous. I’m good enough, certainly smart enough, and people generally like me. But why should I need reassurances from some friends, but never need them from others?

Sometimes I feel like giving up. I rarely give up on people. I can think of very few people on whose friendship I’ve turned my back, and each time it was the result of very particular, very trying circumstances. I’ve never felt like giving up simply because I’m frustrated. I can’t make myself not care about someone, even if I wonder how much that person actually cares for me.

Simmering beneath every single jumbled thought inside my busy little brain is Liz. If anything, I am more aware than ever of how precious friendship is, and how much sentimental importance even the most casual, trivial-seeming incident can one day acquire. For so many years, I have said that life is all about the people in it. Knowing this, there is no way that I can let go of anyone who has touched my life. Knowing this, it hurts that much more when it feels as though I’ve been let go of. Maybe I’m just over-sensitive right now. Maybe everything will seem different in the morning. Maybe I just need to be a little more patient with everyone. Including myself.

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