It was sort of a strange weekend, here in Cara's World. I went into shabbos exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. It happened to be Carlebach Shabbos at ASBI, and I was able to shed some of that emotional weariness. Some, but sadly not all of it. I was still so drained that I fell asleep by 10:00pm, which probably hasn't happened since I was 12 years old.
Shabbos day dawned bright and beautiful, and my body was refreshed from my long night's sleep...but my brain certainly wasn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't completely shed my Week of Meh. I had lunch with more than 20 people, outside in a lovely courtyard, and I should have been in a great mood. Yet all I could think was 'I need to get out of here.' Shabbos, sunshine, friendly conversation...and I was still just not myself.
And then came motzei shabbos. I was supposed to help Schmavis at the Piamenta concert. The fact that I just wrote 'was supposed to' makes it pretty obvious that I bailed on him. I don't normally do things like that. In fact, I can't remember the last time I broke my word to a friend. And why? Why would I do such a thing?
Selfishness. I had four options for my motzei shabbos: to help Schmavis, to go out for a friend's birthday, to go watch a video with married friends, or to stay home and wallow in my Meh-ness. I ruled out the video...if I was going to stay in, I would rather wallow. Yet I knew that I would feel even worse about myself on Sunday morning if I stayed in. So that left being a good friend, and helping Schmavis, or going out and making myself forget that I was feeling horrible about me. I chose the second. I got dressed up in a snazzy red dress, put on my dancing shoes, and stayed out until 3:00am. And I had a wonderful time. Really, truly wonderful.
But at what price? I broke my word to a friend, so that I could indulge myself in an emotional pick-me-up. So, of course, I now feel horribly guilty. It's not ok to bail on someone simply because you're not in the mood to follow through with your promise. Why did I then let myself do exactly that? I don't know. I simply don't know.
So here I am, on a gorgeous sunny Monday, wondering how to answer the question "How was your weekend?". On one hand, I regained a good deal of my self-esteem, which had gone AWOL in the past two weeks. And all I had to do to find it was let someone else down.