I've been remiss in my updates. I'll use the excuse that I have had other things on my mind.
I made it to first base. And then to second, third, and home plate! Twice! (No, they were not homeruns. But that would have been really cool.)
Unfortunately, the other team never showed up, and so we were merely playing against ourselves. So, officially, I'm still hitless. But at least I now know it is physically possible for me to hit the ball and make it safely to first base.
I also tried batting lefty. I think I might actually have made better contact. Further research is necessary.
Smashers record: 2-3. This Sunday, we'll break .500, aided by my newfound batting prowess.