As usual, Cara was correct, and I was wrong.
Truer words have never been written on a cocktail napkin. I think I should frame it, and treasure it forever.
(For those interested, my buddy Mark wrote this down after several instant replays made it clear that the pitch was completely outside the plate, and that the Astros' batter should not have been called out. I may not know much in this world, but I do know my baseball.)